Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Am I A Human Robot?

I've been a detached human lately.  When life gets stressful and there are millions of unknown details up in the air, I tend to shut down and watch bad television.  When I lived alone this technique worked for me.  I could shut out the world, eat a bag of potato chips and watch endless reruns of good NBC comedies.  But, when you live with someone, you can't shut down and not talk about future plans.  You need to talk things through and strategize.  I am not the best at this.

To paint a picture, I am writing this morning before work, drinking coffee that H made and eating a piece of old birthday cake.  We are moving in 2 months, I need to work on job applications, tie up some ends for our wedding next month, and I need to find available apartments in NC to look at for our trip down later this week.  I am freaking out, but, I can't even put into words the emotions swirling in my head and heart right now.  I've always been an emotional person, I can cry for small reasons at any moment...a StoryCorps piece, a good book, and my gratitude for the people in my life.  Given the right moment, I could cry while watching a sports team win a big game.  This is all fine, but when it comes to real life stressors, I can't access my cry factor as easily.  So, last night, when my partner told me that he felt disconnected from me, I put down the bag of chips and tried to act like an adult. 

The part that is tricky, is that I have never really felt like an adult.  I recently turned 36, and to me, it feels like I am still awkwardly thrashing about life.  The day after my birthday, I decided that I needed to think about how I wanted my 36th year to look like.   I decided to unplug from the television and social media, as much as I can, and stare at the life in front of me.  This means completing tasks that are not glamorous or even fun, but, they are the steps I need to take in order to draft the way in which I want my life to look. And, while I have moments of pure doubt, stress and fear, I have a feeling that this robot will make a new life in NC this summer and find her path.

At least that is what I tell myself.