Day 26

  I think of myself as optimistic. I tend to have a positive outlook on things and try to see the "bright side" of challenges. But, I am kidding myself. I'm freaking stressed out, in a manageable way, but I need to acknowledge it.

  This summer I began to notice a pattern. I had just gotten surgery and after a week I expected that I would be back to normal. Six weeks later, while feeling pretty normal I'm still experiencing the after effects and am very much in the healing process. When I slow down and allow myself to think about how I'm feeling and the possible reasons associated with it, I see that I too often try to rush through life without acknowledgement of experience, struggle, or emotion.

  On Friday I met with a new acupuncturist who is helping me with my healing process but also fertility. When going through my intake form she asked me a few times about stress levels in my life. I answered each question with, "Nah, I don't think I'm stressed. I feel pretty chill, almost lazy." But when she asked deeper questions and then explained how stress not only affects us emotionally but physically, I realized I have been dismissing my own stress. I wave stress away with phrases like, "Yeah, life is kind of challenging right now but there are so many people who have much more difficult and stressful lives. I shouldn't complain. If I admit that I'm stressed, that means I can't handle it."  Even when writing those words I have compassion for the person who feels this way, but when I acknowledge that the above words are mine, I form a stiff upper lip and tell myself to get over it.  How messed up is that?

  My first step towards coming to terms with the fact that I'm stressed is to write about it. The next step is to keep admitting that I am not perfect or weak and that I need to slow down. Slowing down is scary though and often means, for me at least, sitting with my emotions and not brushing them aside. Breaking old patterns and habits takes time though and I know I can't rush it.

Here's to taking that first step in the mud and working through the cloudy bits, one puddle at a time.






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